Hopeless Romantic

Will it never end?

2011-11-27T06:24:00.000-08:00

My day is about to end,I still was not able to accomplish anything. I am thinking if I go through with marrying Rain, he will never let go of how I chose Marc over him. He may love Ayen but will never love me again. I will enter into a marriage where I will forever pay for I have done and will just have to shut up and follow.
This is just like Chris all over again. Minsan gusto kong tanungin, ganun na lang ba talaga ako? laging ako ang dapat magsakripisyo? Di na ba matatapos ang paghihirap ko,kailan ko ba matatapos bayaran ang pagkakamali ko sa magulang ko kaya ako naghihirap ng ganito?

Bad Day

2011-11-19T23:48:00.000-08:00

Barely slept for weeks now,putting doors in my room cabinets are almost done,so last night I started placing my stuff in my room, although I wanted to finish everything, I cannot reach the top shelves. So I stopped.This morning when I got up, I was greeted by my mom telling me to put back all her things in my room when I told her there was no more room for her stuff she told me to throw all my stuff in the trash, because this is her house. I was so angry because she told me to pay for the repairs if I wanted to put doors on the closet only to find out that I still cannot put my own things in my own room.
To make matters worst, evenif I wanted to move out, I do not have the funds for it,now that I am planning to resign this Jan so I can start over. I wish sometimes somebody would just stab in the back while I am walking somewhere so that this would all end but then I would be leaving my Ayen behind and knowing my family, no one will take care of her.
I am hoping that next year, I would do good.

I just wanna die 2

2011-07-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

... Until Marc came, my first love, the love I cannot have. I was not planning to start whatever it is we left behind but fate seems to be playing with me. The relationship was perfect, we would spend hours talking on the phone, he would see me at home, every Thursday we go out with friends, Saturdays he would spend the night and Sunday morning we would go to church. After some time, he started to spend the night more and it was what I wanted. Days with him were heaven, We would get up early, I would fix him breakfast if I can or even just coffee, if I can’t get up he will never fail to kiss me goodbye before he goes to work, I will go back to sleep, wake up at 12pm to get ready for work, he would pick me up at 1pm then take me to work. He will fetch me at 11pm after work then we go home. For me everything was perfect, until he changed. He was being cold and started spending time with Eva. I am a very jealous girlfriend and it I am rarely wrong when I feel something was wrong.

I was right there was something. I never felt so damn unpretty. I was hurt,I do not want to go on anymore honestly. Months passed, I am slowly recovering he came back asking for a chance, but I was still hurting. I love him so I gave in but he continuously hides things from me and whenever I found out about it, he lies about it. I feel million knives stabbing me to death.

Now, here I am in the middle of 2 men who at some point in my life, I loved so much but also hurt me so badly, both asking for a chance to make it up to me, both exerting efforts trying to convince me that they changed.

I am so afraid of getting hurt again, so tired of getting hurt. So tired.

What hurts the most...

2011-06-05T15:01:00.001-07:00

I do not know what hurts the most…being able to prove that what you were suspecting was true or being betrayed by the person you trusted the most?
Just this weekend, I was crying my eye out one because Rain and I are again breaking up for things he doesn’t understand and 2nd I found out that I was right, there was something going on with Eva and Marc. To add up the date stamp, this was the time I was texting her to come and see me. I poured my heart out, I was crying not knowing that the girl Marc was seeing was her.
I will never forget that day, Marc called and said that he was already on his way, I waited until 4 am texting and calling him but there was no answer. The following day, he said he fell asleep. On the other hand, when I told Eva, Marc was seeing somebody else, she said “Ate, pakawalan mo na kasi si Marc, hayaan mo na sya, kung makasama man namin sya pabayaan mo na, para maging Malaya na kayong 2”. She even text me this “Ate, usapan natin, pag di dumating yang Marc mo sa lakad nyo, bibitawan mo na sya”. All along I thought she was concerned yun pala para maging Malaya na silang 2.
Galit nag alit ako dahil all the while I thought ako ang may kasalanan bakit di nagwork out,yun pala tama ako and to make matters worst, nagtext pa ng text si Eva sakin asking if I am ok.I texted her the same time I found out and she denied,wag daw akong magbintang, the nerve. Grrrrr! Di ako matatahimik hangga’t di ako nakakaganti. I hope and pray di ko sya makasalubong sa daan because I swear baka magdilim ang paninigin ko at masaktan ko sya.
Ang sakit sobra, ginagago ka ng harap harapan. I know mababasa ni Rain ito, I hope he will also understand where I am right now. I really hope he does.

I just want to die...

2011-06-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Being me is not easy and it's my daughter who suffers most because I cannot be the mother I want to be. At an early age when she is suppose to be playing and being a kid, she has to grow up and be independent, just like I was when I was at her age. It hurts, when I lay down I often find myself crying because of all these.
My relationship with her dad was never easy, I was verbally abused and nobody knows it but me. He doesn’t hurt me physically by verbally yes, always. I was young, I do not know any better. I thought if we have a baby, everything will change and I know, I love him. That relationship crashed and burn when he calls me every time and says that someone saw me in one place together with a guy, he even asks his friends to call me and insult me over the phone. This is was all too much to bear alone. I can’t tell my parents what was going on coz I was too afraid that they may tell me that I was wrong. This went on even after he broke up with me. Through all these, I only have Rain to help me get through it.
Chris found out that I was already ok, he went back and told each and everyone in my family how "cheated". My family almost killed me. It was so difficult for me, my mom would not give me my allowance, my dad would leave me 200 but she will only hand me php80-100, which was not enough even for my fare going to school and to the hospital where I have my duty. I learned to skip meals for days and ask classmates for extra change and hope that I come up with enough for my fare home. Whenever I come home late, my mom will tell me hurtful words saying I was promiscuous, I should stop studying and just sell myself and be a prostitute. With all these even Rain was not able to save me, I snapped. I attempted to kill myself. I was hospitalized, underwent therapy.

Rain was with me all these years and we have become good friends so I thought if I will be with him it will be easier since he knows me and I do not have to impress him or keep my real self from him because we have known each other for so long. But I was wrong again, not a day goes by that I was not hurting because he does not want to marry me or even have a real commitment with me. I tested him once, I asked him if he does not want to get married, we can move in together, he declined. All those years I slowly started to accept the fact that I will never get married, that what I have is a dead-end relationship. Slowly, my heart became numb that all the love I felt was turned into anger, we always fight just about anything. I broke it off with Rain but he never took it seriously I know because the following morning he talks to me as if nothing happened.

Until Marc came, my first love, the love I cannot have. Even though I know it was wrong, I went on with our old love story and this made Rain realize that he wants me. He finally proposed last Dec 19 2010 I should be happy because this is what I was waiting for all these years, but I was not.

@%++)(&^%$#@!$%(&^%@!!!!!

2011-06-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

11:33PM, Ops Manager called my attention, wanted to talk to me. I kinda had a hint on the topic because I have been hearing "things".

As expected, I was right, it was regarding my "SSSOOOOOO BBBBBAAAADDDDD" attendance this past 2 months.

April was the time when Marc broke if off with me which left me so depressed. May, was the time Rain and I are trying desperately to spend as many time together.

Aside from having these scenarios, my medical condition is not progressing as it should which added to my situation.

What I do not understand is why people can't mind their own business. Like my situation for example. They made such a big deal that I was late, as if in their whole existence in this company they have never been late. If they said they never did, which is full of crap because they were, but I didnt say a thing..didn't go to upper management and tell on them. I figured if I wanted to move up then I will work hard for it not on the expense of others.

I am honestly losing interest in working with these people. So much for team work.

Getting tired

2011-05-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile since I logged in. A lot has happened and I guess, I just do not have the strength to write it all down. Just this weekend, I get to stay at home for my rest day after spending more than a month at Rain’s. I miss my family even though we don’t get along. This is what he doesn’t understand. Why sometimes two people need space to breathe so that they don’t suffocate each other. Rain keeps on texting me asking me to see him no matter how I try to explain, he does not get it.
I know he just want to be with me, but I need to be with my family. What must I do to make him understand that I am different, I am not like the typical girl friend that can stay over anytime he likes, I have a kid I need to attend to.
Just as I expected there were entries on his blog about me staying at home. He said that his efforts were never appreciated. I know he tries so hard to make up for things I do but there are some things he needs to understand. I changed not because I wanted to but I had too.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired…very tired of everything.

Is it just me?

2011-03-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

I have not received any texts or call from him the whole day today. There are so many occasion that I wanted to cry but I try not to. I asked him last night if we were ok and he said that I am the only one who thinks that there is something wrong with us. He said he was just busy.
I am now thinking is it just me? Am I asking for too much of his time? Is what I want only works for those young couples?
It’s nearing the end of my shift, and I have lined up a lot of activities for me tomorrow, maybe these will help me get him out of my head.

Sweetheart and Honey

2010-11-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

November 27 2010, Saturday, ang plano talaga is pumunta sa bahay ng boyfriend ni Ate Jem, meet the parents and videoke but it turned out to have additional events, one of which is after 9 years, nagkita ulet kami ni Gilbert, ang original sweetheart ko.
That morning, honey and Gilbert agreed to meet up and then punta sila sa site. After which honey texted me kung pwede sumabay na lang samin si Gilbert since on the way naman ang house nya kina Stan. Natuwa ako kasi I get to see him, I asked honey if I get to kiss him kahit nandun si Gilbert since kamag anak pa din naming sya. Wala naman daw problem yun.
They got to Ate’s house at around 9pm, lumabas na lang ako ng gate and met them. I kissed hon then kissed Gilbert. Natawa sila kasi pareho lang halik ko sa kanilang dalawa, oo sa lips. Then kwento, trying to catch up, while nagkwekwento sya, nakaakbay si hon sa akin. Then napunta kami about sa wife nya, sabi ko nagmamadali kasi sila, natawa ako sa mga sumunod na sinabi nila.
G: ikaw kasi di mo pa ako sinagot noon
R: e kasi di ba ayaw ko ng mas bata sa akin
G: buwan lang ang tanda mo sakin a, O di ba sa bata ka rin bumagsak?
R: Oo nga
H: Kuya talaga o
G: tandaan mo ako ang unang dumalaw, ilang taon ko niligawan tapos dadating kang bigla tapos sayo pa napunta.

Natawa nalang kaming 3 sa usapan nay un. Honey, decided to have me sit beside Gilbert sa likod while sila ni Ate Jem sa harap. We dropped him off at Cubao, kissed him before he left. Hai, I missed having my 2 boys with me, kapag magkakasama kasi kaming 3, feel ko baby na baby ako and I feel so loved. Come to think of it, ako naman ang first love nung 2 at ang first kiss din nila.

On our way to Stan’s house, you can see the chemistry between Ate Jem and hon, kung di lang naming pinag-usapan ito ni hon,sobrang magseselos talaga ako. Inisip ko na lang mga sinabi nya sa akin. He reaches out naman from time to time and hold me, ok na ako dun.

Sa amin kasi ni hon, holding each other’s hand is a sign, a confirmation that we are here, don’t worry. So when we go out with friends and cousins, even if we are not talking to each other and busy entertaining other people, if you look at us, you will see that are hands are always holding each other.

Pagdating naming sa bahay nila Stan, since sanay akong nagbubuhat ng mga gamit, automatic sa akin ang kunin ang mga bote na binili naming ni ate, natuwa ako dahil nung nakita ni hon na may kinukuha ako, sinabi nya na sya na lang at wag akong magbuhat. Ok lang naman sa akin sabi ko, but sya ayaw nya daw kasama ko naman daw sya. Pati ang videoke machine ni ate sya ang nagbuhat, pinilit kong kunin kahit man lang paper bag na may lamang songbook at mic, but ayaw nya, sya ang nagbuhat lahat.

Pinakilala kami sa mom ni Stan, si hon… boyfriend ko. Wala pang 5 mins pagtingin k okay hon, aba kabiruan na nya ang mom ni Stan together with Ate Jem. Kami ni Stan ang magkasama. Charming at ma-PR daw c hon.

Videoke kami then nung one time na kumanta c hon ng love song, niyakap ko sya then ni slow dance nya ako, then kiss. It was so romantic. I am so deeply falling in love with him and it’s scares me… What if he leaves me again, will I ever recover like before?

First fight in 13 years

2010-11-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

I have known Marc for 13 years now and not once did we have a fight until now. It was really a stupid thing but it made such a fuzz. This is the first time that I am really thinking he will not come back… I am hoping that I am wrong.
Hindi ko alam bakit pagnakikita ko sya na napapalagay ang loob sa ibang babae natatakot ako, lagi kong naiisip na baka ipagpalit nya ako. The first incident was when he told me na katext nya sister ko, kinukulit daw nya. Biglang naisip ko na baka nakikita nya sa sister ko yung dating ako, nung bata pa kami kung saan sya unang nagkagusto sa’kin. I know it’s stupid but that’s what I felt. When he found out about it, he got pissed. I apologized. Sinabi pa nya na kapatid ko yun bakit ko maiisip ang mga bagay na naisip ko… I was asking the same thing but the answer seemed to elude me.
We have forgotten about it until now. I got the last message from him at 3pm then I texted him twice after that and got no reply. So I said it might happen that he fell asleep or has no load. I was waiting for anything, a text or call from him until I dozed off. I got a text from him at around 6pm saying it was raining hard and he will be going outside to play basketball. He also said that he might not be able to text me since he will be leaving his phone at home to charge the batteries. It was ok for me, I see no problem there.
I was exchanging text messages with my cousin, Jem, when she said that she was exchanging text messages with Marc earlier, when I asked what time, it was 4pm. I remembered I was waiting for a text message from him during those times, how come he was texting Jem when he cannot reply to mine? He didn’t even inform me that he will be texting Jem. He asked her phone number from Andy where he can ask me for it. I know, I know, I got jealous, YES I did.
It was already midnight, still no text or a call from him. I logged in to FB and found him to be online. I sent him a message and got a reply that he was doing something. I just said, ok lang nagulat ako naka online ka. Then he asked me to check his work, my answer was a simple “great”. He asked if he can call me, I answered ikaw ang bahala, kahit ano.
When he called, he asked what is wrong because he sensed that I do have a problem. I asked what he did the whole day. He told me about his day, he was asked by his mom to do some errands that he didn’t inform m about, but sige ok lang utos naman yun ng mom nya e. I was waiting for him to tell me about texting Jem but it didn’t came up. I said, wala ka bang sasabihin sa akin? He sound clueless and then asked, ano bay un? Sabihin mo nalang. That was the time I told him ka-text ko si Jem, he remembered, sinabi nya na katext nya si Jem earlier. Then I said katext mo si Jem, e ako hindi mo sinagot. He retaliated that he replied to all of my messages. Then the next thing scared me. He cursed, then said pangalawang beses na ito, text lang yan. I sent him a message in FB saying I love him but he kept saying “dahil lang sa text” I don’t know if he heard me ask “hon nag aaway ba tayo” because when I checked my phone he was no longer there. I checked FB, he was already offline.
I texted him saying I know galit sya,sorry but I am just afraid of losing him that is why I am acting this way. I don’t expect him to reply but if incase I do not receive any reply from him until Wednesday morning, gets ko na, I will just cancel the reservation I made for us this coming Thursday. I love you.
After sending this message, I texted Jem saying that if incase I do not receive any replies from him, gamitin nila ni Stan yung reservation ko since I cannot refund it anymore.
I am trying not to cry right now and put my game face on. I do not want anyone to know that deep inside I am hurting. I am thinking that it is a possibility that he will not text me back anymore, if this will be the case, I do not think I will get over it like what happened before. This might be the last chapter of our so-called love story.

Marc Conrad Ardona

2010-11-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

October 12,2010 - What I thought to be a boring Tuesday turned interesting. I received a private message from a special person from my past. Honestly, I never thought of hearing from him again after what happened to us. But I guess, fate has its way of turning people’s lives upside down.
Marc Conrad Ardoña, my uncle-cousin-ex boyfriend found me on FB. He asked if I still remember him, I answered “ Oo naman, ikaw lang naman nakakalimot sa akin”. And that was it, we were communicating again as if nothing happened. Let me tell you our story so you understand where I am coming from…
In our family, uso ang magkagusto sa kamag-anak, I do not know why but it’s true. Gilbert (Uncle) has a huge crush on me when I was young, I am 1 yr older than him. We were often teased by relatives because of this, I didn’t mind since to me I still see him as my Uncle and nothing more. He would often call me and we spend hours talking about anything. Then he introduced Marc, his cousin, we got to talking and after some time we found each other talking more than what Gilbert and I used to. I was 17 then and Marc is 15. Since I will be going to college and need to take care of college applications, I asked Marc if he could show me how to get to Assumption since his school is within the area. He agreed and that was the first time we saw each other in person. He was so sweet and matured for his age. We hit it off good. Later on I found out he has a crush on me and have asked permission from Gilbert if it will be ok if he would court me. Although Gilbert likes me as well, he gave way. I do not usually fall for someone younger but Marc was an exception. After a period of time, we found ourselves falling for each other and we thought that was it. He would drop by at Gilbert’s and ask him to accompany him to my house. Everything was ok until my mom got to sit down and talk to Gilbert and Marc, that was the time when my mom found out the we were related. Marc’s mom and my grandmother were cousins. We were both devastated but nobody decided to cut the relationship we were having.
We continued to see each other, I do not know if my mom knows that we were already going steady but she knows Marc likes me, the same way Gilbert liked me. One day, we were hanging out Gilbert’s room, Gilbert laying down his bed, while me and Marc on the other bed, then someone knocked and said that Marc’s dad was downstairs. We got up and then Gilbert told me to stay. I didn’t know why, Marc went down and after 15mins, Gilbert and I followed. I saw him talking to his dad outside, I thought it was just a “talk” until I heard him shout at Marc. I wanted to go out and go home but Gilbert said to wait. Marc left with his dad that day. After 2 days I got the news from Gilbert that Marc was grounded. Not only that, his dad punched him because someone told them that he was spending too much time at his Tita Doray’s (My grandma) House. I found it very odd that his dad would it negatively if spends his time with a relative so I asked my mom regarding that, then there I found out that may away pala sila kaya pinagbabawalan si Marc. But mom said that whatever happened between my grandma and his mom should not affect my relationship with my cousins.
We lost communication, 3 years passed…Life happened. I had a daughter and he also had one and got married. I thought that was it, but I do not know how we found each other continuing our relationship before. We would meet in a friend’s house or work place and go out, I was 21 and he was 19. I have to say this was the stage of our relationship where we were so crazy inlove that we forget that we were both committed to someone else. There was a time when a friend invited us to go to a beach house. We were given a room that we share with Gilbert and his girlfriend then. There was another room inside the room so technically it was two connected rooms. The inner room is the only one that has aircon while the other doesn’t even have a fan. Gilbert and his girl took the inner room since they want to rest due to the long drive going there. We were not planning of doing anything but after scouting the place, and finding out that all of our companions were sleeping, we decided to just return to our room. One thing led to another and we were making out and lost control. It was so intense and we have already undressed each other. We were literally doing it then I stopped and said this was wrong. We stopped and got dressed and just went out of the room and stayed at the living room until it was time to go. We had plans of going out the day after that, we agreed to meet somewhere. Since it will only be the 2 of us, he said that even if I do not receive any text from him, he will meet me. So with that in mind, I went and waited, but he never came and I have not heard from him anymore.
I was hurt but I had to go on with my life. A lot has happened, my husband left me, I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for attempting to kill myself, undergone therapy due to depression. 2007, 6 years passed after the incident with Marc, we saw each other in a family reunion, he is no longer with his wife then but has a girlfriend. We exchanged numbers and exchanged stories of what happened in our lives. He apologized for what happened. He explained why he was not able to show up, his parents found out that he was seeing someone else but they didn’t know it was me, even before. Since we were again in a situation that we are both committed, it didn’t cross out mind to see each other, it is also because we were afraid that what happened last time might happen again. I was 27 and he was 25. We would forward messages to each other and from time to time ask how the other one is doing. Then out of the blue, I received a text message asking who I was, I was surprised so I answered. It was Marc’s live in partner, asking why I am texting his boyfriend, I apologized and introduced myself as his cousin. The text after ticked me off when she said she does not care if we were related, she just want me to stop texting Marc. I said sorry and then I deleted his number. After this I thought there was no way we will ever recover.
2010, October 12 I got a message from him asking if I still remember him. I am now 30 and he is 28. He now has 3 kids but separated, not committed to anyone is not currently looking. I do not know why, we didn’t even talked about it but we went back to being “us”. We text each other everyday and say we love each other. He wanted to meet me since I was so busy, I scheduled a get together, October 28. It was suppose to be just the 2 of us but he figured it will be fun if we bring other people along. He brought 2 of his friends, Andy and Percy, while I brought my sister, 2bz and GT sister, Zhel.
It was fun because everyone enjoyed each other’s company, it was unusual for me since all the time we were together, Marc didn’t let go of my hand and I didn’t had to ask him to hold it, he just did. When it was our time to go, we were standing to wait for Andy, he wrapped his arms around me and embraced me while we wait, imagine what I felt since it was a long time since someone placed his arms around me to be sweet.
After that night, it was like automatic, we were back to where we began. He got a job the following week as a property consultant and was asked to bring guests on the roadshow (November 4). Since we have a schedule gimik, he brought me, my sister 2bz and my cousin, Eva. All the time his boss was pitching regarding the property, he was holding my hand. We went to the site and I fell in love with it. Although he invited us just for show, we ended up investing which surprised him for this was his first sale. After signing some paperworks, we went on the gimik, Laiya Grill. It was fun, my sister was craving for something sweet when we remembered the brownies I bought for Marc. We went to the car to get and there he kissed me, the kind of passionate kiss that takes my breath away. It was exactly the way I wanna be kissed. And that was it. It was official, we were a couple, no more doubt about it.
We will be going out again next week, I hope I can update this blog.

Updating...

2010-10-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, it’s been forever since I last updated my blog. Been really busy lately, so to make up for all those time, allow me to update everyone about my life.
I was replaced by Mhadz in managing the Dispatch Team which was a bummer. Found out that the people I call friends are not really my friends. I talked to Lex regarding resigning already or moving to a different team and was offered MOC, Karlo’s team. To my surprise, everyone else in the dispatch team also applied.
During my final interview, Maenard made it clear that there is a big chance I wouldn’t get the job not because of my credentials but because of my attitude. There I found out that what I share with my manager in confidence was also being shared. I felt betrayed.
I got the job with the help of Karlo, he insisted of getting me against the management’s advise that I am difficult to work with. He was determined to prove them wrong. Going to NEP training was hell for me. I want to cry everyday because it was soo hard. I passed with the help of my friends.
I am now in GTRC, Karlo left and moved to a different company.
I am still with Rain, we’ve been together for 9 yrs now. Colleen’s turning 10 this December.
That’s all the update I can give for now.

Being A Single Mom

2008-09-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Being a mom alone is very hard, from the time you conceive your child, through the 9 months of carrying her in your tummy, giving birth and taking care of her through life. I am a mom and to make it more difficult, I am single.
I got pregnant at an early age of 20, my boyfriend of 5 years left me when my daughter was turning 1. It was not a very easy breakup mind you. I attempted suicide and had a nervous breakdown because of it.
Life was never the same, everything is a 100 times difficult compared to everybody else. It was hard going to school, getting work and having fun was out of the question.
I am a senior coordinator in a computer company and at the same time since I want my nursing career to progress, I applied for a nursing training for 6 months in AFP Medical Center. Working 2 jobs was never easy and nobody said it was but since I was determined to make something out of my life I went for it.
Since then I often find myself crying for all the reasons I can think of, like when I miss my daughter, when I have to work even though I haven’t gotten any sleep, for all the times that my daughter has a project and I can’t be there to help her, for all the times she needs me and I can’t be there. I cry for all the times my sister’s friend teases her whenever I am not at home.
I am boarding just to make it to my 2 jobs and I only get to see my daughter on Saturdays. I know it is unfair but I have to do something to make way for me getting a better job to secure her future.
Since I started my 2 jobs, I often find myself getting irritable always and my patience is wearing thin whenever my daughter calls me or even when I am at home. After that I cry because I know I hurt her feelings and I know she just wants to get my attention but I can’t help it, I’m so tired and I myself don’t know what to do with our lives.
To make up for everything I always explain to her why I get angry all the time, why I can’t be with her. It is so heartbreaking whenever she calls crying because she needs my help and I can’t be there. I cry for all the time she is chosen for a part in a school play but later on will be replaced because I am not there to buy what she needs or attend to the meetings.
I feel my daughter is so “kawawa” because I can’t be there to support her. May be that’s the reason why until now I am not vigilant in looking for a nursing job or entertaining the thought of applying for a staff position in AFP for I want to spend as many time as I can with my daughter after my training and pick up the pieces again.
I blame myself for everything that my daughter is going through, why she cant enjoy having a mom, why she cant enjoy being a kid and why she gets hurt. Its so hard to be a single mom but I am proud to be one.

Daddies lose babies too...

2008-09-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

This patient who in the recent past has affected my life most profoundly never actually took a breath on this planet.

I received his mother, A, to a room on our floor shortly after midnight one night. She had presented to ER at 15+ weeks gestation with ruptured membranes and intermittent vaginal bleeding; the OB staff suspected chorioamnionitis as the culprit. Rather than risk the infection becoming overwhelming, the decision was made to do a dilatation and evacuation later on in the morning. She was accompanied by her mother and father; her baby’s father was at home.

I settled A into her room, showed her how to use the call bell, and let her and her parents know that I was there if she needed anything. Her assessment was within what I would have expected for an early second-trimester rupture of membranes. She had received 1000mcg of Cytotec in the Emergency Department and had received 2mg of Morphine IV for pain prior to arrival on the floor. She was not in any pain and I was hoping she would be able to sleep a little before going to the OR for her procedure, as this was her first pregnancy.

About 20 minutes later, A's father came rushing out of the room and asking someone to go to the room immediately; the only words he could get out were “the baby”. I knew instantly what was happening. I got her into bed (she had gotten up to void), called for help, and could see her baby’s tiny legs hanging from her vagina. We got the OB resident to the room and she delivered the baby. Five minutes later, the placenta was delivered as well.

Throughout the entire situation A was amazingly calm. I talked to her as soothingly as I could and reassured her that she would be taken care of. The OB resident was very professional and reassuring to the mother, and I had great colleagues who helped me more than I can articulate.

After the delivery, I asked A if she wanted to see her baby, and she said that she did. A's mother did not want to see the baby, nor did she want her daughter to. When things calmed down, we talked about this some more. A’s mother asked me if the baby was well-formed, and I said that he (she delivered a little boy) was, albeit he was very tiny and his eyelids were still fused. She continued to be adamant that no one should see the baby.

This opened up an opportunity for us to talk about the grief process. I made it clear that we would not force anyone to do anything, but that often, families experiencing a fetal loss are greatly helped by seeing the baby that they have loved and cherished. Having something concrete to grieve so often helps them incorporate that soul into their lives in a meaningful way. I think, though, that more than anything, this lady was afraid that the baby was grossly malformed and did not want to see that. I think this because once we talked about how he looked, she seemed more comfortable with the idea of her daughter seeing the baby, though she herself still did not want to. That was okay by me, as long as A got to see the child she had tried to four years to conceive.

I weighed, measured, and took pictures and footprints of this baby for her, and told her that whenever she was ready, I would bring him to her. She was ready right then; I got the baby and before handing him to her, described him once more so she knew what to expect. She cradled her son and touched him, and her eyes welled up with tears. I could tell she wanted to be alone with him. I left the room and allowed them their time and space to say goodbye. I felt very privileged to be able to give that to her.

What I will remember most, however, is this baby’s father. He came after A’s parents had gone home, and after A was finished holding her baby. I was in the room going over some paperwork stuff with them, and it hit me: I need to offer him the opportunity to see his baby if he wants. To the surprise of both of us, he said yes without a second’s hesitation. I gave him the choice of bringing the baby to the room, or having him come with me to where the baby was. He wanted to come with me. I’m not sure why, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I took him into the room where his son lay wrapped in a tiny blanket, and let him know it was ok to open the blanket and touch the baby. Almost immediately, this strong, macho, man’s-man burst into tears. He asked me to leave; I was happy to, and told him to please take as long as he needed. I stood far enough outside the room to be available but not intrusive. I heard the sound of his weeping in the hallway and it was one of the most heartbreaking sounds I have ever heard. Tears began to roll down my cheeks in front of God and everybody, and there was not a thing I could do to stop it. I didn’t really want to anyway.

Shortly thereafter, the baby’s father came out and allowed as how he was finished saying goodbye. I walked him back to A’s room so they could be alone together and went to prepare the baby to be taken down to pathology. If I live to be a hundred, I don’t think I will ever forget what I saw when I walked back into that room. Beside the body of this beautiful tiny boy were wet marks from the tears that his father had cried.

Daddies lose babies too, and I am forever grateful to the baby that taught me that.

Article From: www.allnurses.com

Comfortability....

2008-04-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am writing this at Starbucks Megamall. For those who are reading this, you may notice that I am not much of a blogger. I am only updating my blog when I am feeling extremes, when I said extremes I mean when I am extremely sad or extremely happy.
My boyfriend, Rain and I have been here since 130 pm. I am waiting for a GT sister to pick up the bubble machines I rented for my daughter’s birthday. I also plan to go an Agency orientation at 4pm but due to my GT Sis being soooo late I might have to reschedule it tom after work.
I just want to cherish this moment and record it. I guess the reason I want to write this right now is because I am happy. Being with Rain for 7 years now we come to that certain point where we enjoy each others company even if the other one is doing something else I am right now doing my training manual why he watches his Daria series, both of us have our own laptops and both are on ear phones. So we are not talking to each other. We are doing our own thing and still enjoy each other’s company.

2008-04-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

Just this April 5-7 I together with my boyfriend, my cousin and some office friends went to Puerto Gallera. I had so much fun. Want to go back again but not so soon, medyo mahal ang pagpunta dun pag summer.
It was fun cause atleast for 3 days I get to unwind and relax. I was able to do stuff that I didnt get to do when I was younger.

Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee

2008-04-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a
unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things---your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite
passions. And if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.'

'The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car.'

'The sand is everything else---the small stuff'

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If
you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will
never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with your
grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.'

Take care of the golf balls
first - the things that really matter. Set
your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

'The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

February 21 2008

2008-02-22T16:59:00.000-08:00

It was a typical Thursday for me or so I thought. Was not able to go to work for some reasons I've been sickly these past few days. Mind you my mom was waking me up every now and then to ask if I will be going to work and I just keep on telling her that yes I will but I didnt get up.
Got up at around 11am, went straight to my parent's bedroom and just flip channels every now and then. Katrina sent me an SMS at around 1pm stating that she had a dream that she passed the board exams, I just dismiss the thought and replied "nu bah!"I forgot all about it then at around 4pm she texted me with a link of where to get the exam results together with the message " ate I passed daw pero confirm ko pa" With that I immediately went to my bro's laptop trying to log in to the website with the intention of helping her to confirm if she did passed. it didnt occur to me to try and check if I passed since I also took the same exam. While waiting for a hit on the site, Brenda, one of my officemates called me with this message " Ma'am 8329" and she keeps on repeating it and honestly it didnt mean anything to me until the other people around her Chantal and Pj were rooting "congrats ate rae, ang galing" That time my heart was pounding so fast that I am already crying saying "tol wag ganyan, di magandang biro" over and over again. Then finally Brenda told me, "ma'am pumasa ka sa board" I honestly cried, and up until now while typing this I am crying. Still I dont want to belive it, I still keep on saying to brenda " tol, walang ganyanan o, please, ayaw ko ng biro" then I think she already heard that I am already going out of my mind and being hysterical about it she said "ma'am padala ko link sayo, screen shot ko pa"the line got cut, my brothers who were suppose to go get some shut eye was not able to do so because I was screaming and crying all over the house that they dont know what is happening to me. I told my kuya to help me check if I did pass, and for some weird way we cannot get any hits on any sites. I was shaking, crying while waiting for any site to load. Kuya said "yang, sana pumasa ka na nga, laki na rin ng hirap mo e" then after waiting for practically forever, we got a hit, then i was shaking while both me and kuya scroll down through the names and when we both saw my name we both screamed, yes even my kuya screamed.
I called my mom gave her the good news and she was so happy, She reminded me what she keeps on telling me " The lord will honor me and seek first the kingdom of heaven and everything shall be added unto you"
I am so blessed and I am so happy. That night just before I went to the office, my mom thought of seeing my dad in the office to deliver the news, I was not fortunate enought to talk to him and I so wanted to see his reaction. So we went there and ask if he can see us for 5 mins. He did, he thought there was an emergency. I delivered the news with a frown on my face saying "pa, lumabas na yung result nung board" papa just looked at me then smiled I know I didnt have to say it, I jsut smiled and he just hugged me. For me that was more than enough. For all his hard work this is it. After that, we wanted to leave but papa said "wait lang hug ulet" I know and I can feel how proud he was of me and for me that was the greatest feeling, the greatest gift I could ever ask for.
I praise the Lord for everything.

How did you spend your valentines day?

2008-02-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

February 14, St. Valentine's Day. I spent my day outside with my boyfriend Rain... Dont get the wrong idea, we were not on a date.
Prior to that day, (feb 13th Duh?) I was absent from work due to a nerve wracking headache, so I decided to just meet Rain at our favorite hang out, Startbucks Cubao. From there I saw 2 of my officemates katrina & Tito sharing a cup of coffee.In the spirit of the occassion, Rain gave me 3 red roses (wow, sweet).
I have a job exam that day (would you believe it?) so we both went to the place (Robinson's Fairview). Going there was not as fun as I remembered. The last time I was at fairview was 1999, when I was still with Chris. Going there brought alot of memories; sad & fun memories.
Memories that keeps on haunting me.
Took the exam and boy it was so hard,maybe because it was tooooooo technical for me. I got 59.3 but they were requiring 63. So in short I didnt get the post. We eat lunch in the place nearby, it was nipa cottages and th place was nice. Went home to Rain's and tried to catch a shut eye but was not too successful at that too.
Went to work, do my thing.
That's how I spent my Valentine's day, How about you?

The Way To End The Year 2007

2008-01-01T03:17:00.000-08:00

O well the year is almost over. Here I am looking back of what I have accomplished during the year 2007. Hmmm let me think…. Aside from reviewing for the boards, I got the chance to see a lot of places this year. There is the most famous Baguio, Tagaytay, Pagudpod, Vigan, Corregidor and I got the chance to spend my birthday at Subic (at the expense of the company hehehe).
Christmas, since I was the caterer (wow! new sideline) I spent my Christmas here at the office with Katrina and Brenda. New Year was a blast. Well there are fireworks or course, then the street dancing. And of course the most awaited tradition, ang basaan. Syempre ako ang promoter sa amin. Lahat dapat mabasa. O well, hindi lang naman for fun yung basaan, may benefits din yun actually, binabasa namin ang kalsada para maiwasan yung mga paputok na di pumutok. And after the festivities, everyone cleans the street. Galing noh? Ganyan ang ritual sa street namin. Of course I have to take account ang mga away at habulan ng saksak sa street, but don’t be alarmed, common yun sa amin.
Marami ring bad ang nangyari sa taong ito, but I am positive that the year 2008 will bring me luck. I am praying that this coming year will be better.

Happy New Year every one!

Christmas

2007-12-24T17:18:00.001-08:00

More Free Graphics at pYzam.com

Toxic Friends- Toxic Friendships

2007-12-24T17:05:00.000-08:00

It's happened to all of us. A close friend betrays you. Someone you trusted does something that wounds you deeply. This kind of pain can last a long time - and with it come questions that seem to have no answers. How did this happen? What were they thinking? And how in the world could they have done this to you? The only person who can answer these questions is gone from your life and you're left with the emotional fallout.

Entering into a friendship opens the door for hurt and harm; a harmful friend or a toxic friendship can be one of life's hardest relationship tribulations to forgive and forget. Toxic friends often come back to haunt you for a long time.

There are nine main types of toxic friends--those people whose friendship hurts you eventually. Knowing the categories of toxic friends helps you avoid them. Unfortunately, though, becoming friends is risky and there is never a guarantee you will not be hurt by a toxic friend.

The User as a Toxic Friend:This person only has friends as long as he/she can use them for some purpose or goal of his/her own. This person could be the most harmful of toxic friends.

The Betrayer as a Toxic Friend:Nothing hurts more than a friend who betrays you. The betrayer is truly a toxic friend.

The Control Freak as a Toxic Friend:The control freak is a friend as long as she/he is in control. The control freak often seems to be helping you. Refuse that help or break that control and find out what toxic friendship really means.

The Judge as a Toxic Friend:Ever judgmental, ever critical, this friend can erode your self-esteem. The judge is a fault finder. You can rarely do anything completely right with this toxic friend.

The Promise Breaker as a Toxic Friend:This person rarely does what he says he will do. If you have a date, your toxic friend is often a no-show. A general lack of dependability makes this person a toxic friend.The Gossip as a Toxic Friend:The gossip will eventually betray your trust and become a toxic friend. Gossips are easy to spot so beware your friendships with them.

The Self-Centered Person as a Toxic Friend:Self-centered people can't think of you as they are too busy thinking of themselves. They make toxic friends.

The Competitor as a Toxic Friend:The competitor is always looking to be "one up." Although some competitiveness is normal in friendships, too much competition makes a toxic friend.
Again, no can always avoid a toxic friend. But often to be forewarned is to be forearmed. The Leaner as a Toxic Friend:The leaner is a very needy friend who clings and may be at your doorstep every day. He/she usually wants all of your time and jealousy often enters the picture in this friendship.

My Song

2007-09-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Just last night my boyfriend and I are fighting over the same thing, marriage. We Just don't have the same views. Last night also we agreed that what we have is a dead end relationship. It hurts because we have been together for almost 6 years and yet he still doesn't have a clear direction on where we are going. So I said to myself, I will just take evrything, one day at a time. I came in the office and he gave me this song. I cried because we are about to break up and he still tells me he loves me.

Wala ng Hahanapin Pa

Mayroon siyang estilong kanya lamang.Ang kanyang pagkababae ang dinadahilan.Pagsubok sa pag-ibig walang katapusan‘Di naman daw nagdududa, naniniguro lang
Ewan ko bang kahit ganyan siya,Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin paKahit ano’ng sabihin ng iba, minamahal ko siya,Wala nang hahanapin pa
‘Di raw nagseselos ngunit nagbibilangNg oras ‘pag ako’y ginagabiAt biglang maamo ‘pag may kailangan‘Pag nakuha na ikaw ay itatabi
Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin paKahit ano’ng sabihin ng iba, minamahal ko siya,Wala nang hahanapin pa
‘Di magpapatalo ‘pag mayroong alitan‘Di aamin ng mali, magbabagong-isip lang
Oooh.....

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin paKahit ano’ng sabihin ng iba, sinasamba ko siya,Minamahal ko pa, walang kaduda-duda,Wala nang hahanapin pa (Wala nang hahanapin pa)Wala nang...

Mahal Kita

2007-09-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

I thought that this would be like any other day, I went to see my auntie and stayed there for awhile before I go to work. Just before I left, I got a missed call on my cel, it's an international number. First person that came into my mind,Randy. I went to work and started it like any other day. I logged in, sorted my emails, deleting spams and other non important emails. Then I came across this email that has "Mahal kita" as the from name, I was positive that it was spam but I just do not understand why I didn't delete it. After deleting I started reading my important mails. Then to my surprise the email was from my Randy. I cried because of what it says. Here you go :

hey there...i'm so sorry i haven't written in a very long time....i know, very unusual for me. i have been commercial fishing all summer (harvesting salmon on a fishing boat) i did not plan on spending my whole summer here. i had plans to visit with the family with mom. one thing after another kept me from visiting in august. i didnt get the passports i needed until just last week. other wierd things have been happening at home while i've been away. and this fishing thing is taking just way too long. i honestly hope to see you soon. my new plans will have been pushed back towards the holiday season, so that Bowen doesn't have to miss school when i take him with me. (he has vacation from school during the holidays). i'm really sorry to have you worry about me...i should have known better but it's really hard to communicate during the fishing season. rest assured the fishing season is over and i hope to be with you again soon. please don't give up on me...mahal kita, randy

I cried, one because I know now that he is ok and second that he misses me. And lastly that he loves me. I don't know but I just miss him so much.

Kilig Factor...

2007-09-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

Before I used to think that the "kilig factor" in a relationship is just for teenagers and new relationships but then again I remembered my ex-bf. We have been together for 5 years but the Kilig factor was always there.

Then I started to think why I dont have it now in my relationship with Rain, it is because we have been together for almost 6 years now or we are too old for this kind of stuffs. I stopped and thought hard, Rain was never the type who will make you kilig on things that he will do. I was confronted with the reality that I dont have it ever since we started our relationship.

Maybe I am just asking for too much but I dont think so. How hard can it be to be mushy sometimes? to be "baduy" and "corny" paminsan-minsan. This reminded me of a time when I asked Rain to dance with me in our first birthday together while kissing, he was so drunk that he didn't remember it until he saw the video (damn!) There was also a time when I asked him to dance with me here at eastwood because there was music playing he said "don't want to be the center of attraction".

I guess I am just looking for someone else. I am looking for someone who is not afraid to be different from the rest of the world. I want someone who will sweet dance with me in the rain, or whenever there is music, someone who will hug or cuddle with me in the middle of the park, someone who will give me flowers just becasue its wednesday, who will think of ways to be with me even for 30 minutes a day even without doing anything. Someone who is not afraid to laugh and have fun. Someone who will never get tired of kissing, hugging me and holding my hand. Who will love just being in each others arm all day.

I just want someone who will make me feel important, secure and loved.

Broken Hearted Me

2007-08-16T16:45:00.001-07:00

This is one of those times when I just want to die. I am here in the office, crying my heart out. I don't know why and I can't understand myself why I had to read Chris' emails. It still hurts so bad. It has been 6 years still it hurts the same.
In reading his emails, I felt his love for me, in my replies the love can be felt also. I guess I am still asking what happened, why it didn't work out. We have so many dreams, our lives are already planned, I just don't understand why we felt apart. Why it didn't work out betwen the two of us? Why did he left me?
When you read our emails, you'll never thought we will end this way. I am trying to find even a single hint that somehow I missed that might tell me that our relatioship was bound to end but I cant.
All these years, it still hurts, I still love him. It is still him that I want. Sometimes, I just want to sleep and never wake up so I wouldn't feel this way.

I thought I had let you go, why does it hurt me so, Gotta get you out of my head. It hurts so bad

Rainy Days always gets me down....

2007-08-16T07:51:00.001-07:00

I don't like rainy days, in fact I hate it. Aside from the fact that it is difficult to go to work, it brings back very sad memories. I know, I know, here I go again. Its hard to forget someone who has made a very big impact on my life. I know that he hurt me but still I can't forget him.

On my way home last tuesday, Rain caught my attention because I was walking slowly, letting myself get raindrops on my face. He asked what am I doing. I asked him back if rainy days get him down, he bluntly said no. That very minute I wanted to cry but I tried not too. Instead I stayed quiet and walk. I remembered Chris again. All the times we stayed inside during rainy days because we just want to cuddle during these times and watch tv. When Rain took my hand to cross the street, I got teary eyed, I remembered the time Chris and I played on the rain and he carried me because I dont want my shoes to get wet. That was one of the most memorable moments I have with him.

I guess I am just tired of my life not having a clear direction, with Chris I know where I am going. I am so sad.

Tie-The-Knot

2007-08-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Marriage... for someone like me who is a workaholic single mom with a boyfriend who cannot commit this is a fantasy. Something that is only possible in dreams.
I was watching "Moms" at Q-Tv and this was the topic. How would you know you are really ready to tie the knot??? They said there are factors to consider like:
1. Emotionally- are you inlove with one another? Do you see yourself spending every day with one another?
2. Physically- hello? biological clock tic-toc
3. Spiritually - man cannot live by bread alone. Will marrying this person make your faith stronger or will it make weaker?
4. Mentally- have you thought about it atleast a gazillion times?
5. Financially- can you support a family?
The first time Chris (my daughter's dad) proposed, I had to say yes, just to make him stand up and stop people staring at us at Shakey's Megamall. I was really not thinking at the time, hey I was 16 years old. I couldn't have known better. The second time he proposed I was 20 years old and that time I can honestly say I was ready, in all aspect. It was just a bonus to me that I was pregnant. I am so sure that I was ready that I built my whole world around him. But my wedding dream crashed and burn and that was it.
Now at 27, it's different. There came a time that I ask myself will I ever get married? Will I get another proposal after getting 5 that didn't work out? Am I ready?
There were alot of occasions that I asked my boyfriend, Rain, that I wanted to get married. He was the only guy that I asked, well before it was the opposite, I was the one being asked. But each time I asked he always asked me back with a question " kaya na ba natin?". For him financial capabilities is a priority. Funny, how other people who earns less can support a family with ease.
I had the chance to discuss this with my dad while I was watching the said segment, and I asked him, how do you really know when you are ready? Then he asked me back with " when you said yes to Chris' proposal, what are your reasons?" Well it made me think and go back to that time. And then I answered " because I love him, I cannot imagine my life without him" then he smiled and said "thats all the reason you need". Then I said "but papa, how come people say that you have to be financially ready before you get married?" He asked again " when can you say that you are fincially ready? how can you gauge that? When will you be able to say that what you have is enough?" I was not able to answer. He added " You and Chris were both students the time you got engaged, if financial readiness is a factor for you, how were you able to gauge that you are ready then?" I just answered " we weren't but I believe Chris loves me and I know he will do anything for me. I, loving him so much, will also do anything to help out to make it work". He again smiled and said " You see, it is the same answer you gave me"
Now, I ask myself, am I just wasting my time waiting for my boyfriend whom I know will never commit? Is he just leading me on by saying that we are not financially ready? Am I really in a dead-end relationship?

My Corregidor Experience

2007-06-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

I went to Corregidor last June 23-24, for the first time with my daughter, Ayen and Boyfriend, Rain. We were celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary (we are not married but we celebrate it).

I thought this will be one of those out of town getaways were I will be relaxed or feel romantic of some sort, but it was different.

I never was a big fan of history (Yuck!) but when I got here, it was different. To some it may be baduy, I dont care. When I listened to the tour guide, Pablito, how he share the story of the place, halos maiyak ako. I then begin to appreciate our history. I started to admire McArthur's promise "I shall return" and saw corregidor in a different light. It is now a place of life for not liek before where I think of corregidor as a tourist spot.

It was so sad I was so tired that I didnt had the strenght to get up for the night tour. But nonetheless the following morning we went to the topside and got some more pictures.

On our way back home, at the boat, they were showing a film about McArthur. I almost cry. Hindi ko alam kung anong effect ng corregidor sa akin. Lalo na when the film got to the part that our president left his country and flew to HongKong dahil sa gulo. Niyaya pa nga si McArthur, but he refused. Sabi ni Quezon,kahit man lang daw yung asawa at anak nya e pasamahin para mailigtas but what McArthur said was, my wife is married to a soldier, and my son is a son of a soldier, so they should be by my side fighting". Hindi pinoy si McArthur but I have to give it to him, his dedication to a foreighn country. Tapos ang presidente ang binigay lang sa kanya e signage ring para daw pag nakita ang bangkay ni McArthur malalaman ng mga tao na namatay sya para sa country nya na iniwan nya.

McAurthur left for Australia dahil pinilit sya ni Roosevelt but he promised that he shall return, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko for the soldiers na naiwan nya. They believed in his promise. I cant imagine kung anong hirap ang pinagdaanan nila and all they had to hold on was a promise. Sa Australia, McArthur insisted to make the Philippines a priority, kahit na against all odds pinilit nyang tuparin ang pangako nya. Parang nakinikinita ko na kung paano nabuhayaan ng loob ang mga sundalo nung balikan sila ni McArthur. The feeling na WOW.

I just wished noon pa ako nagpunta ng corregidor baka napahalahan ko ang history nung nag-aaral pa ako. Sabi ko nga sa kapatid ko na iba ang effect ng corregidor sa akin, iba talaga. Umalis ako sa place na yun hindi relaxed kundi dala ang mga hirap ng mga namatay dun na nagtanggol sa bansa ko,ang pagpapahalaga sa nakaraan, ang feeling ng pinangakuan ng buhay na payapa at ang pagtupad nito.

Baduy na kung baduy wala na akong magagwa. Yun ang naramdaman ko.

My Randy

2007-06-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

Today, June 12, I got the chance to talk to someone who is so dear to me, Randy. He's my uncle actually. He's in the states. The last time we saw each other was when I was still in junior high. What made my day was this:
M: too bad, we cant be together
R: i was thinking the same thing...there's something i have to tell you though...
M: you know you can tell me anything
R: there was a time when i thought i was in love...i mean really in love
R: time passed by...life happened...and i stepped back to look around...
R: and i found that i was still in love...
R: that was about a few weeks ago...
R: maybe you can tell her for me? how much i still love her?
M: may i know who?
R: i think you know...i think...you know...i think you...think you..you, yeah you!

we had this thing for each other, mind you if we were not related Im sure were together by now. But still we are not that stupid to go with what we feel, we both know we cant be together since we're related.He's going to visit this August, can't wait. I do love him so much but all these years we never expected that the feeling was mutual. Will talk about him more next time. I have to leave now.

What A day

2007-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Rochelle, Lelay to most of us, got married. The ceremony didn't last that long for me to really internalize it. 11Am was the call time but for those who knows me know also that I always arrive late. Got to the City Hall 11:05 Am and to my surprise the wedding is already about to end. yes people, the wedding was that fast. The reception... dont want to talk about it. Went our separate ways at 1PM. I, on the other hand, have other engagements. Went to meet Rain at Mega to buy gifts for her Grandma,my auntie who's celebrating their wedding anniversary and gift for Lelay (was not going to buy anymore gifts for her since I made the souvenirs, but mom said I have to). After shopping (as if?) went home to get ready to attend my uncle's & auntie's anniversary. Got home at around 10PM. Drop my kid and sister at home and went straight to Andoks where my high school friends are waiting for me, to continue the wedding celebration with the newly weds. I finished 5 bottles of beer that night. Went home at 12MN. The minute I got home, I already fixed my stuff since I will be leaving at 7AM the following day to go to Ilocos and attend a family reunion. What a day....