Broken Hearted Me

This is one of those times when I just want to die. I am here in the office, crying my heart out. I don't know why and I can't understand myself why I had to read Chris' emails. It still hurts so bad. It has been 6 years still it hurts the same.
In reading his emails, I felt his love for me, in my replies the love can be felt also. I guess I am still asking what happened, why it didn't work out. We have so many dreams, our lives are already planned, I just don't understand why we felt apart. Why it didn't work out betwen the two of us? Why did he left me?
When you read our emails, you'll never thought we will end this way. I am trying to find even a single hint that somehow I missed that might tell me that our relatioship was bound to end but I cant.
All these years, it still hurts, I still love him. It is still him that I want. Sometimes, I just want to sleep and never wake up so I wouldn't feel this way.

I thought I had let you go, why does it hurt me so, Gotta get you out of my head. It hurts so bad

Rainy Days always gets me down....

I don't like rainy days, in fact I hate it. Aside from the fact that it is difficult to go to work, it brings back very sad memories. I know, I know, here I go again. Its hard to forget someone who has made a very big impact on my life. I know that he hurt me but still I can't forget him.

On my way home last tuesday, Rain caught my attention because I was walking slowly, letting myself get raindrops on my face. He asked what am I doing. I asked him back if rainy days get him down, he bluntly said no. That very minute I wanted to cry but I tried not too. Instead I stayed quiet and walk. I remembered Chris again. All the times we stayed inside during rainy days because we just want to cuddle during these times and watch tv. When Rain took my hand to cross the street, I got teary eyed, I remembered the time Chris and I played on the rain and he carried me because I dont want my shoes to get wet. That was one of the most memorable moments I have with him.

I guess I am just tired of my life not having a clear direction, with Chris I know where I am going. I am so sad.

Tie-The-Knot

Marriage... for someone like me who is a workaholic single mom with a boyfriend who cannot commit this is a fantasy. Something that is only possible in dreams.
I was watching "Moms" at Q-Tv and this was the topic. How would you know you are really ready to tie the knot??? They said there are factors to consider like:
1. Emotionally- are you inlove with one another? Do you see yourself spending every day with one another?
2. Physically- hello? biological clock tic-toc
3. Spiritually - man cannot live by bread alone. Will marrying this person make your faith stronger or will it make weaker?
4. Mentally- have you thought about it atleast a gazillion times?
5. Financially- can you support a family?
The first time Chris (my daughter's dad) proposed, I had to say yes, just to make him stand up and stop people staring at us at Shakey's Megamall. I was really not thinking at the time, hey I was 16 years old. I couldn't have known better. The second time he proposed I was 20 years old and that time I can honestly say I was ready, in all aspect. It was just a bonus to me that I was pregnant. I am so sure that I was ready that I built my whole world around him. But my wedding dream crashed and burn and that was it.
Now at 27, it's different. There came a time that I ask myself will I ever get married? Will I get another proposal after getting 5 that didn't work out? Am I ready?
There were alot of occasions that I asked my boyfriend, Rain, that I wanted to get married. He was the only guy that I asked, well before it was the opposite, I was the one being asked. But each time I asked he always asked me back with a question " kaya na ba natin?". For him financial capabilities is a priority. Funny, how other people who earns less can support a family with ease.
I had the chance to discuss this with my dad while I was watching the said segment, and I asked him, how do you really know when you are ready? Then he asked me back with " when you said yes to Chris' proposal, what are your reasons?" Well it made me think and go back to that time. And then I answered " because I love him, I cannot imagine my life without him" then he smiled and said "thats all the reason you need". Then I said "but papa, how come people say that you have to be financially ready before you get married?" He asked again " when can you say that you are fincially ready? how can you gauge that? When will you be able to say that what you have is enough?" I was not able to answer. He added " You and Chris were both students the time you got engaged, if financial readiness is a factor for you, how were you able to gauge that you are ready then?" I just answered " we weren't but I believe Chris loves me and I know he will do anything for me. I, loving him so much, will also do anything to help out to make it work". He again smiled and said " You see, it is the same answer you gave me"
Now, I ask myself, am I just wasting my time waiting for my boyfriend whom I know will never commit? Is he just leading me on by saying that we are not financially ready? Am I really in a dead-end relationship?